Romance And Love Articles
The best part of sex, in my far-from-humble opinion, is the pleasure you can cause in your partner(s).
While being stimulated by your partner is certainly far better (for most people, if their partner's any good at it) than masturbation, it is still pretty much the same, only better.
Going down on a lover, on the other hand, allows you to get a kind of pleasure that you cannot give yourself, even in part; the vicarious or empathic response you get from their reactions.
The techniques here, therefore, are centered around cunnilingus, including (since there's no separate name) using your fingers. Along a similar line I've now written Advanced Fellatio Techniques and Secrets. This was learned as a subject, not performer, but with the same quality of skill involved. Because of the number of questions I received on the subject, I also have Advanced Anal Sex Techniques, for those who want to know about that.
"Less" is always the best way to start out if you don't know exactly what a specific person likes. It's much safer to build up from "not enough" than to try to back down after shattering the mood by being too rough. The final argument to ensure that you always apply this rule is this -- If you start out "too" gentle/slowly, in most cases this just excites your lover more, even in the rare cases that it frustrates her a little. But if you start out "too" rough for her, it almost always turns her off to the whole thing.
The differences between women cannot be emphasized enough -- no matter what you have encountered so far, always assume that you have no idea what a new partner enjoys. It is entirely possible to have had many lovers, and think
A. They are all pretty much the same or
B. You've learned all of the variations, and can tell who's what.
But this can be (and usually is) just a matter of random chance...you happened to get several similar lovers. Eventually you will run into someone, or many people, who are completely different than those you've known before.
Don't start by going down on her. Work your way up to it. Exceptions may be if you're in a hurry before your Press Secretary shows up, or other situations where you're expected to act more directly. It's worth observing that "work your way up to it" remains true no matter how many times you've been with that lover. With a long-term lover it may seem like you can get right to the direct stuff, but working your way up still has the same effect of increasing her excitement, with most women.
Along the same line of reasoning, don't start licking her clitoris immediately, when you do get there. Start with the area around it, which can be pretty sensitive with some women, even if it doesn't seem to cause the same dramatic response.
Even more important is to not immediately start inserting fingers in her vagina. With most women, that really needs to be built up, first. It usually doesn't hurt to build up a little, even if she's already excited.
Remember this -- Most often, the tongue works best with the clitoris, the fingers with the vagina/g-spot. Someone else's fingers on her clitoris tends to be a little rough, no matter how careful they are...and almost all of the excitement she gets from attempting to lick into her vagina is psychological; she can't really feel much that way.
Hand Care: It's best to be sure your fingernail edges are very smooth, and preferably cut all the way down to where they connect to your skin. No matter how careful you are, they are likely to cause her to get a little sore inside, or even really hurt, feeling like a knife cutting her. This can even be the cause of soreness that she doesn't realize is being caused by your nails. Being a guitarist, I have the nails on my left hand trimmed back as far as I can cut them, anyway. Guitar also gives one's fret-hand amazing endurance and finesse, for g-spot stimulation and other tricks.
Dental Dams: These are, in most cases, just plain silly. Unlike almost any other form of sexual activity, the odds of you transmitting or catching AIDS this way are almost zero. There are almost no cases of any female homosexuals, for instance, even claiming to have caught AIDS this way. In case you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, a "dental dam" is simply a condom cut in half lengthwise and used to keep fluids from passing between mouth and vulva. And it's being advocated primarily by people who are simply jealous that they're missing out on a great chance to be a "victim" in the issue of sexually transmitted diseases.
Interesting note -- A little noise on your part usually doesn't hurt, and sometimes it helps. Some women are very hung up on cunnilingus, determined to believe that, no matter how much you say otherwise (and she claims to believe you), it may be at least a little unpleasant for you. If you're excited by her responses, or by the act itself, don't try to stay quiet about it. The same kind of sounds that will reassure and excite a lover when they're pleasuring you will often work when you're pleasuring them, too. This could be considered a secret weapon in sex in general, because most guys are rather quiet, and yet women almost always find responsiveness very exciting. The contrast between someone who's responsive and most of the other guys makes it even more effective than it would already have been.
More Advanced Techniques:
This does exist. And in over half of the women out there, it works better than anything else you can do to cause a strong, prolonged orgasm. The original name is the Grafenberg spot, after a doctor, Earnest Grafenberg, who documented the area (which may have been known by people here and there throughout history) in the fifties.
This "spot" is a small "mound" of tissue inside the vagina, between a penny and quarter in size, which responds to being pressed upon. It's almost certainly not the skenes glands, (which are located around the urethra, which is behind the G-spot area), as has been suggested by a few people. In fact, the G-Spot is the tissue in that raised area of the vagina, which has a higher concentration of sexual nerves, and produces hormones similar to those made by the male's prostate gland.
A sort of map to the area -- Imagine your lover lying on her back, legs spread. Your position is between her legs. You would slide a finger inside her vagina, palm up. With your finger straight back, middle finger is best, you would curve it toward yourself, gently, as if you were gesturing to someone to "come here". In doing so, the area you press on should be pretty near her "G-Spot" area. If you know enough to follow the urethra (the tube that leads from the bladder to where the pee comes out), along the inside of her vagina, you may feel a slight swelling (if she's excited) at the point where the g-spot is.
She must be excited, especially if either you or she is new to the g-spot, for the g-spot to have any real effect at all. It's not the ideal area for getting your lover aroused.
But when she is excited, this area (more often than not) is the best way to bring her to orgasm. You work your way back to it gradually, teasing her (typically, this works best) with your fingers, slowly and gently. It's easier to hit the right area with two fingers, but this may not be comfortable for her, depending on how "tight" she is at that moment. When you have your fingers around the right area, try gently pressing, not too quickly. The movement should be fairly rhythmic. It's typically best if you're licking her clitoris (or near it, depending on the woman) at the same time...don't make a big deal out of the "quest", this will often make her feel self-conscious, or distracted. The licking should seem to be the primary activity.
When you find the right area, she should respond by getting more excited. Most of the vagina's inside surface isn't really that sexually sensitive, believe it or not...most of the excitement of randomly inserting fingers is more psychological than from the actual stimulation.
While more complicated techniques work with some women, some of the time, the best basic technique, upon finding the g-spot, is to continue to slowly, rhythmically press on it, while licking her clitoris (for a few women, the labia (lips) are sensitive to licking, too).
This should cause her to build up to an orgasm.
A G-Spot orgasm is different (always, when it works at all) than any other kind women have. It is possible, with some women, to have different qualities and kinds of orgasms from vaginal, clitoral, anal, and even breast stimulation...but with other women, those kinds of orgasms are all pretty much the same. But the G-Spot orgasm not only feels different; it also causes her body to react in a different way.
First, it often causes a "push out" orgasm. The area around, or "above" (farther inside, that is) your fingers seems to swell up or to contract toward the opening of her vagina.
If you find the right combination of pushing back when this happens, and slacking off to let it push out, you can cause (in perhaps half of the women) her orgasm to continue happening, long after normal ones would have subsided. In some women you can even keep her at a "plateau" (raised level) of sexual excitement, like a prolonged orgasm (or a little less than one) afterward, building up to an even bigger climax. I've managed to keep this pattern of build-up, orgasm, plateau, orgasm, build-up, orgasm for over four hours, with one lover. We stopped when, though she wanted to go on, she was so exhausted that she really had to stop.
That brings me to another important point; G-Spot orgasms sometimes (less than half of the women, I'd guess, and in some of those women only occasionally) causes a huge amount (relatively speaking) of lubrication (juices, wetness)...far more than even the most excited woman gets from "conventional" stimulation. It's a good thing, too, because otherwise g-spot orgasms can only be prolonged for as long as she does not get raw/sore from it...which is yet another reason to be gentle.
When that extra wetness combines with the push-out orgasm, you get actual ejaculation...like a guy, but much better tasting. The built up juices can shoot out in such volume that you, or she, may be afraid that she lost control of her bladder. That is (almost always) not what happened. The fear that she peed can be enhanced by the fact that the urethra is behind the g-spot, so that in rare cases the woman can sometimes get the feeling that she needs to pee, even though she does not.
In reality, in both men and women, enough sexual excitement prevents peeing, unless you try really hard. This is a built-in reflex, because urine is something of a spermicide. The "pee hard-on" that men get in the morning is partially his body taking advantage of this reflex, to keep him from accidentally wetting the bed with the urine that built up while he was sleeping.
Licking the Alphabet
Believe it or not, Sam Kinnison's suggestion of licking the alphabet, one letter at a time, on and around her clitoris/vulva actually works. I had come up with a similar technique myself, but his version is pretty close to the perfect formula -- The real goal is to be able to keep regular, rhythmic motions going, but to change them in some gradual pattern that isn't so different it throws her off, but isn't so redundant that she grows insensitive to it. The alphabet is probably the longest chain of shapes that you can be sure to repeat smoothly and rhythmically, without loosing track of where you are. Unless you are a victim of public education, I suppose, in which case you may have to stick to the letters of your name, or the numbers one through nine (being too confused by where to put the zero).
I would not suggest combining this with the g-spot stimulation, at least not with the intention of really giving her g-spot orgasms. The two techniques conflict a bit, as the focus of arousal is so different.
Cough Drops - Nothing to Sneeze At
After you've thought about it for a while, this will seem obvious. Just remember that it probably wasn't, until a minute ago...
The way a cough drop, either menthol or mint, works is to stimulate the mucus membranes in your mouth in the special way that feels "cool and tingly". Well, one of the few other places (easily accessible) on the human body that has mucus membranes is the vaginal area. Many people find that, correctly applied, a cough drop feels just spectacular down there. Most people at least find it a very...ah...refreshing change of pace.
A few important tips:
Use sugar-free cough drops. N'ice is a great brand, especially the menthol or mint versions. If possible, find one (whatever brand) with both menthol and mint. It's actually possible that sugar cough drops are just fine, or even better...the debate is over whether the sugar might feed an already existing yeast infection. The things I've heard from semi-expert (medically) people are that it may feed one (and thus aggrevate it), that it actually will protect from yeast infection (I forget the reasoning, it may have been a Ph thing), or that it's not the kind of yeast that eats sugar anyway. One thing's unanimous: sugar cough drops won't make any difference unless you're already infected, they don't carry that kind of yeast. In fact, a human's fingers or tongue would be more likely to (and even that is pretty unlikely, if they're of even typical cleanliness).
Let the drop become even more rounded and smoothed by sucking on it for a while, if you're actually going to apply it inside (which is the most effective way).
Speaking of which, the best thing to do is actually insert it with your fingers. This only works if you're going to be using your fingers during the cunnilingus, though an alternative is to leave it there for a while and then engage in coitus, which can be pretty nifty for both parties.
If not insertion, the best way is to simply suck on it and then, with cough-droppy saliva, lick her as you would have done anyway,perhaps using the Alphabet method. This isn't quite as amazing, but is still pretty good.
Altoids are supposed to be pretty good, but they're very powerful. I haven't yet verified whether they work, though Don & Mike (Radio Gods) unintentionally made a big deal of it recently. They admitted they were working from a position of ignorance, much like their reviews of movies they have never seen.
Don't forget to try breathing on, or blowing lightly on, her vagina/clitoris. The effect is more subtle until you try this... it's the exposure to air that makes it especially tingly.
Just for Noel
When Christmas time rolls around, some stores sell a kind of candy cane that's over an inch thick and six or eight inches long at the straight part (it may not even have the hooked part at all).
Take one end of that, and suck/lick it until it is more rounded and smooth, and you have one of the most entertaining objects you might ever insert in your lover's vagina. It has that special minty feeling, like a cough drop but milder, and is the approximate size/shape of a penis.
Butt-Free Anal Stimulation
I like making up titles.
The vagina actually shares a wall, on one side, with the rectum. Not only does this mean that sexual stimulation is possible from anal entry (which is a whole separate page), it also means that a similar sensation can be acheived without ever touching her butt (not that there's anything wrong with that...heh) by stimulating the side of her vagina where it shares nerves with her rectum. This is more or less the exact opposite, one hundred eighty degrees around, from the g-spot. In other words, if you were to reach in and arch your finger to touch her g-spot, then rotate your hand to face the exact other direction and make a similar (but flatter) motion, you've got the right area. Common sense should tell you where I'm talking about, anyway, since it's the area where it would touch her rectum, inside.
It rarely works well to stimulate this early on...usually you need to not only build up to it, but even get her pretty excited and sensitive first. This is not only to make the area more receptive, but also, in some cases, so that she will be beyond any danger of distraction over the tabooness of how it feels somewhat like you're stimulating her anally.
Press more with the length of your finger, not the tip. This works best, in many cases, as a change of pace, not the main attraction. Which leads us to...
Around the World -- or the Sea, Anyway
Once you have your lover "used to" the whole g-spot stimulation thing (she will actually get "better at" cumming from g-spot stimulation, the more it's done to her), you can try, occasionally and for variety, stimulating her g-spot until she starts to really respond, then switching back and forth between pushing (as gently as normally necessary for that particular lover) her g-spot and pressing the length of your finger on the opposite side, as per the last section. Sometimes you can even get to the point of doing one press on one side, one on the other, back and forth, which can feel amazing and a bit "what on earth are you doing? No, I didn't say to stop" to her. Most likely, though, it'll work better if you switch every several seconds, not every time you press.
Around the World -- Part II
I should not fail to mention the cervix. You may not have even noticed it, by touch, but it's there and once you find it you'll wonder how you missed it (unless your lover has had histerectomy, in which case it's missing, no big deal). This is yet another area where you definitely want to build up to stimulating, as it can actually be painful to even touch if she's not excited enough...but, despite assumptions to the contrary, it can be very useful for stimulation, done correctly.
As I said, issue #1 is that she must be very aroused. Well, bearing in mind that everyone's different, of course.
The Cervix is also about 180 degrees around from the g-spot, but it's in much deeper (typically). It leads back to the rest of her reproductive organs, like the womb. If she's pregnant, don't mess with this at all. Watch out, too, for IUDs and diaphrams and the like. Hopefully you are on good enough terms with her to already know if she's using one of these contraceptive devices, which fit over the cervix.
The cervix is not an abtract "area", it actually juts up, like a little flesh mesa or something. It has an opening at its very "peak", but this is normally closed pretty tightly.
The best way to start is to gently caress around the sides and base of the cervix. Remember, she should already be very "hot" before you even start this part. Eventually, build up to circling it with one or two fingers, around and around, gently staying in contact with it so she can feel the motion through the cervix itself. How hard you can press depends a lot on the specific woman. This is also something that probably works better as a change of pace, not the "main course" of the cunnilingus session...unless she really gets into it.
That circling motion may get another round of "what on earth are you doing...hey! Don't STOP doing it!".
You may even, and in my experience this rarely works, but works well when it does, be able to press directly on the tip, with your finger or fingers, pressing it the way a penis might if one happened be entering her at the right angle to hit her cervix.
Actual Anal Stimulation
This works very well with cunnilingus, if the woman is comfortable with it. In fact, it has its own section on the Advanced Anal Sex Techniques page...I won't go into any real detail here but to point you to that page.
Anyone who likes, say, coffee or beer should have no room to complain about the way most women taste. No, I don't mean it tastes like coffee or beer, genius...I mean that beer and coffee are, at best, acquired tastes...they are not naturally pleasant to a human being, no matter how much your addiction to one or both has convinced you otherwise. Most people, whether they remember it or not, had to learn to like the taste of beer/coffee, and had the desire to be Like the Adults to help them along. Well, I'd list taking pleasure in cunnilingus above drinking addictive beverages on the list of things that prove maturity. Aside from that, there's the fact that many people who give it an honest try genuinely enjoy the taste/smell, myself included. Had I not liked it, for some reason, I would have simply taught myself to like it, because of the great pleasure it can bring. Aside from whether you find the taste/smell sexually exciting to begin with (and, because of pheromones, males (at least) should), surely it will become ever more stimulating for you as you come to associate it with the pleasure you can give.
If you do have a lover who can experience repeated, extended orgasms from g-spot stimulation, and you (for some reason) need to take a break, the absolute best way to do this is to give her a clitoral orgasm. This can be as simple as pushing even more gently and slowly on her g-spot, while giving her clitoris more attention (it can often take more direct and firm stimulation by that level of arousal), so that her next orgasm is really caused by the licking, not the pressing of your finger(s). This works because, with many women anyway, clitoral orgasms leave her feeling very sensitive, and momentarily satisfied (or at least wanting to take a breather).
There is, on the other hand, a very interesting trick for staying "in the game" when your tongue is getting tired. Switch from moving your tongue directly, to using your whole jaw to move your tongue, by slightly opening and closing it. If you tire of this, move your entire head, so that it's doing the actual work that makes your tongue move. When even your neck tires, it's on to the final backup-plan, but the one that works the longest; gently rock your entire body back and forth, at the same speed that you were doing each of the other, so that it's your body that's actually doing the work to move your tongue. For someone who hasn't built up the mighty endurance that's useful with a lover who can have hours of orgasms, this is a great trick. Of course it mainly works when you're going simpler, rhythmic motions...save the fancy tongue stuff for when your tongue's doing all of the work (you should be able to switch back to tongue-only motion regularly, as it gets rested)