Why Did He Leave Me?

Did you ever have boyfriend who broke up with you without explanation and to this day you are still wondering why? Did a relationship you thought was secure end abruptly and without warning? Did someone you love just pull themselves out of your life and you desperately need to understand why? Nancy Fagan , M.S., one of our expert relationship columnists and a Marriage, Family, and Individual Therapist, specializing in relationship issues, answers the question: Help me understand why my boyfriend broke up with me after 7 years of dating.

Dear Dr. Romance:
I'm so overwhelmed with my current situation and I truly need your advice. Eight months ago, my boyfriend and I split up after 7 years of dating. We were about to get engaged, then suddenly he ended it without much explanation. I feel like he has led me on for all these years. To add insult to injury, he never answers the phone when I call (he has caller ID and lets the answering machine pick up). I desperately need answers. What should I do? Call or wait? Please help. I miss him so much. Thank you."

Nancy's Answer: First of all, let me validate all of the feelings you have. You gave your partner seven years of your life and suddenly he disappeared without much of an explanation.

Break ups are one of the most difficult of life's experiences. It's a loss without a death and that makes it difficult to bring closure to. Part of the closure in a break up is having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended. Without that, the feelings that you are experiencing are very normal.

The truth to your breakup lies with your ex who isn't willing to discuss things with you. Unfortunately, your understanding would come so much easier if only he'd cooperate; however, as you know, this isn't going to happen. Plan B is to find clarity on your own and that's where this column will help you.

Let me help you to go in the backdoor to find some sort of explanation for the break up. If nothing else, it will ease your mind a little.

A man will not date a woman longer than two or three years without getting engaged if he is truly planning on marrying her. A man who does this, has not intention of ever marrying the woman. According to the authors of "What Men Want" (Gerstman, Pizzo, & Seldes), they say that men call this kind of relationship, "good to have around until something better comes along."

Okay, so here is one explanation for why your ex ended it: he had no intentions of marrying you after dating for seven years. The timing of your break up points to this as a viable explanation: "when we were about to get engaged." Just think about the timing.

The explanations for why it ended are endless. For instance, he could have met someone else that he cared about more, he could have been diagnosed with a terminal disease and didn't want to drag you through it, or it could be that he fell out of love with you. Regardless of the reason, one thing is true; he lacked tack in how he handled it with you. If it helps, I give him a failing grade in his style of communication.

Let's switch the focus for a minute to you. You need to take a look at why you were willing to date a man for so many years without a full commitment. Ask yourself if there were signs that he was a non-committer. A noncommitter is a man who isn't able to make a commitment to a woman. He may date her for 30 years but for some reason, he can't commit.

The important thing to learn from this experience is how to avoid involving yourself with a man who cannot make a commitment to you in the future. If you can learn this skill, you'll save yourself another heartache.

In my first book, "Desirable Men: How to Find Them," I have a chapter on "Men to Avoid." In this chapter I list several common types of partners who are best to avoid, one is the noncomitting man. I advise you to learn this list and when you see more than two of the qualities in a new romantic partner, be aware that you are on the same path to a future broken heart.

* Characteristics of the Noncomitting Man:

* He pulls back when you want more of a commitment

* Other aspects of life take priority over you

* He puts little work into the relationship

* When you show less interest, he pursues you.

* He makes excuses for not being involved in a single relationship

* He's charming and fun to be around

* He is always involved with several women or overlapping relationships

* He likes to be entertained rather than spending quiet times together

* He never answers his phone in the evenings because he's out chasing skirts

* He is secretive about the details of his life

* If the phone rings when you are at his house, he lets the answering machine pick it up

* He seems to get his emotional needs met elsewhere

* You catch him in "white" lies

* For complete list, refer to chapter 6

The next time you feel a surge of "break up emotions," remember the expression "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Although you are very sad and hurt now, cherishing the good things from your relationship and learning from the bad is one of the only positives that comes from a broken heart. Take this blessing in disguise and move on toward a new man who wants to share a committed relationship with you.