The Dinner Tab Blues

The Dinner Check. (Jaws music, please...) Who picks it up? And why? And why is it such a big deal? Most of the rest of the world is trying to figure out where their next meal is coming from, and we’re worrying about who’s going to pay for it. And the mere fact that this issue has come to the table speaks to the strides women have made.

There was never a question before. The man got it. Every time. Nice and easy. But, women with their own money shifted the dynamic. And now confusion reigns. On the one hand there’s the man who sputters, No woman’s ever going to pay if I’m around, to which Woman A purrs, Now, that’s my kind of man, and Woman B rolls her eyes and sneers mildly, My, how enlightened... Representing the other camp is the guy who asks, If a woman is making good money, why can’t she help out? Woman A now gets to roll her eyes and mutter, Cheap! while Ms. B will thank her lucky stars that there’s some sensible men in the world.

In case you hadn’t figured out by now, I’m the guy behind Door #2. Mr. Sensible or Mr. Cheap, depending on whom you talk to. I believe women when they say they wanted to be treated equally. I believe them when they say they should be on economic parity with men. They lose me when they say all that and then murmur dreamily, But it’s just so romaaaaaaaantic when the guy pays. And you think dating is a drag? Trust me. The word takes on a whole new dimension when the date’s a total bummer and you’re paying for it.

Seems pretty obvious to me that when the guy’s always picking up the tab, he’s establishing a certain beholden-ness on the part of the woman. She owes him. No wonder so many men won’t dare allow the woman to pay. They need all the help they can get. Is having him pick up your salmon in raspberry dill sauce really worth that little twisted element hanging over the relationship? You might say, Well, I don’t care what he thinks is going to happen. I don’t owe him anything. Just so you know, you’re not helping here. You may believe that, he may not even consciously feel he’s owed, but the tension and undercurrent of obligation is there nonetheless. Don’t kid yourself.

In case you hadn’t noticed, male/female relationships as a whole aren’t exactly going swimmingly these days. Even ones that start out completely openly, honestly, and devoid of hidden agendas - welcome to Fantasy Island - have a rough ride. Why would anyone go out of their way to handicap themselves right out of the gate? Not like I’m right or anything, but doesn’t it sound a little more level-headed to set up the relationship so that if something does develop, it’s because both sides - through open communication and healthy rapport - are operating from a position of strength, and not out of an unspoken and often unperceived sense of expectation or obligation?

Others will don the mantle of rationality - sort of - even managing to conjure up a straight face and say, Well, it seems pretty cut and dry. Whoever asks the other out should pay. How convenient. The fact that men still ask out women by a ratio of about 99:1 never occurs to anyone. Furthermore, I’ve been out with plenty of women who don't think for a moment, that just because they asked you out, that it changes the natural order of the universe, i.e. Men Pay. As a matter of fact, they take it a step further. If you’ve been lucky enough to have been The Chosen One, selected by her out of the pen of anxious, hopeful boys, then it goes without saying that to show your gratitude, you should be positively thrilled to pay.

This is very interesting. Because it strikes at the heart of a fundamental, undercurrent conversation in our society: that women have the goods that men want and should be oh-so-willing to pay dearly for. Never the other way around. And while the surface interaction between men and women has shifted from woman on a pedestal to the sexes more on par, the old paradigm still lives, breathes, and drives the unfolding events.

Several years back, I got into a conversation with a gentleman musician who did massage on the side. DISCLAIMER: Massage, as it’s practiced today, is a completely mainstream, holistic, and non-sexual enterprise, and this story is not meant to imply anything to the contrary. So, relax. We got to talking about one particular massage, which developed - quite spontaneously, and by mutual consent - into something a bit more intimate, shall we say. Afterwards, the woman, who had initially agreed upon the hourly rate for his massage services, commented quite matter-of-factly, that in light of how things had turned out, she obviously didn’t owe him anything now. The gentleman, being rather liberated and enlightened - bad news for the lady’s wallet - didn’t quite see it that way, to say the least. He made his feelings quite clear, even going so far as to suggest that he should charge her double. I like this guy. As he put it, We finally came to a mutually agreeable settlement. He better not have sold out.

Above all, when the check arrives, common sense needs to prevail. When the guy makes $100,000 and the woman makes $25,000, her paying half doesn’t make sense. But more importantly, it’s whatever works for them and their relationship. I can’t stand it when some idiot woman’s or men’s magazine decides what the new standard should now be.

And while I’m blowing my reputation for the next decade or so, I might as well really go out in a blaze of glory. Let’s talk about 2 for 1 dinner coupons. Yup, I use ‘em. Can you believe it? Sometimes even on a first date. You know once you start opening up, it just feels so good to get it all out. And you want to know why I use ‘em? I’ll tell you why. Here goes. You ready for this? This is rich: Because they save money. The naked truth. Revealed at last.

Somewhere along the line, it became cool to take $10 bills and $20 bills and flush them down the toilet. Someone decided that when a guy was looking at a $50 dinner check, to use a piece of paper or card that reduced it to $35 said something really unflattering about him. And more importantly, it was an insult to you. Geez. With all the crapola that life constantly throws at us, you’re hung up on that? You got to be kidding. Get over it, will ya?

I wonder what Seattle’s like this time of year...