Gags for Stags
Old Bachelor Jokes
A MAN WAITING for a bus noticed a pretty young girl stuffing her little dog into her blouse so that she'd be able to board the bus without the driver seeing him. She made it successfully past the driver, but when she sat down, the man who had seen her hide the dog, now noticed that she was squirming uncomfortably in her seat.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Isn't he housebroken?"
"Oh, he's housebroken, all right," the girl replied. "He just isn't weaned."
Advised by his Editor in Chief to cut down on the size of his news stories, the young reporter turned in this gem of brevity: "Sheldon Foffinger looked up the elevator shaft of the Plaza Hotel to see if the elevator was coming. It was. Age 24."
The precocious little kid was getting a bawling out from his mother for using a certain four-letter word.
"But Mommy," the kid complained, "Tennessee Williams uses that word all the time."
Replied the mother: "Well, don't play with him then."
Little Johnny, six years old, approached his father one day and announced: "Little Mary next door and me are going to get married."
"Well, that's fine son,"' said the father. "But where are you going to live?"
"That's no problem," explained Johnny. "Her father built her a playhouse in the backyard, and we're going to live in that."
"I see," said the father. "But what are you going to do about babies? Have you thought about that?"
"Yes. Mary and me talked it over. We decided that if she lays any eggs, we'll just step on them."
The beatnik who had sped through an intersection against the light, was pulled over to the curb by a cop. "Didn't you see that red light?" rasped the cop.
"Daddy-O," countered the beatnik, "I didn't even see the house."
A farmer's wife was telling the village constable about the young visitor they had from town whose language was rather raw. She feared that her own child would pick it up.
Later on the constable paid a call at the woman's house. The young visitor answered the door.
"Hello, little girl," said the policeman. "Are you the little girl who's been using bad words?"
Who told you?" was the answer.
"A little bird."
"Well, I'll be damned!" huffed the little girl. "And here I've been feed ing the little bastards!"
A large crowd attended the big-time gambler's funeral, mostly his old professional friends. The preacher intoned the eulogy. "Nick is not dead," he said somberly, "he only sleeps."
From the rear of the crowd came a loud voice: "I got a coupla grand that says he don't wake up!"
"I don't think you ought to become upset just because your son makes mudpies," said the psychiatrist. "And the fact that he sometimes tries to eat them is also quite normal."
"Well, I don't think so," snapped the woman, "and neither does his wife."