Are you saying I shouldn't have sex?

No. Sex is a normal part of a happy and fulfilled life. When the situation is right for you, I see no reason to say 'No'. The reason we have such a high level of sexual disease today is that many people have sex when the situation is not right for them: when there are uncontrolled risks of infection, for example. If they respected themselves, they wouldn't expose themselves to risks. They would say 'No', and work at building safer sexual relationships. The value of saying 'No' is not in abstinence, it is in choosing good (and safe) relationships over dangerous contacts. It is an act of self love.

I don't like being different from my friends

Most people feel like this. We don't like being the odd one out. Remember though that we are all different. Each one of us is made differently, looks different, thinks differently, and has their own feelings. Sometimes there can be similarities, but we have to acknowledge that we have a right to be different. Just because your friends do something one way doesn't mean that you have to do it that way. Often it takes someone to do whatever it is a different way, for the friends to actually feel OK about doing it differently. If one member of the group is strong enough to show that difference is OK, the group attitude can change.

Often the people in a group who keep doing things the same old way actually feel that what is happening is wrong, but they are too frightened of being that little bit different to do anything about it.

Changing for the better does not happen quickly and easily. People are always wary and a little afraid of change. To understand this just consider our news media. Every time something new happens it's the fights, anger, and resistance that are the focus of attention, ahead of any positive aspects of the change.

Our society resists change, and so do most of us. It is normal to feel afraid and worried about new things. It can seem too frightening to try new ways when we don't know what is going to happen. But it is not healthy if our fear stops us trying to change to improve ourselves and our lives.

Make your own decisions

Usually when people start becoming sexually active they get into a certain pattern of sexual behavior. That pattern tends to remain with them for the rest of their lives. Often they do not choose that pattern, it is simply the norm of the day for their peer group, but they go on repeating it year after year, without thinking about change. Unless we stop and think about ourselves, and evaluate who we are and what we want, we don't even consider there could be other ways of living our lives.

When you are going to try something new it is often helpful for you to have talked it over with a good friend so that you feel stronger about trying.

I like taking risks

Having been a motor bike rider, mountaineer, and rock climber and lover of 'off piste skiing', I have a good idea of what risk taking is all about. The thrill lies in facing a risk and overcoming it through your own skill. Naturally, you take safety precautions. You wear a helmet on a bike. Mountaineering, you use a helmet, ice axe, crampons, and ropes. Most important, you practice your skill to be sure you can manage the dangers, before you expose yourself to greater risk. You'll tackle a lot of smaller mountains before you take on Mt. Everest.

Risk taking in the sexual arena is not the same thing. When you jump into bed with someone whose sexual history you don't know, when you engage in an unsafe sexual practice, you are entering a lottery. You are not testing some disease-avoidance skill you have practiced, you are simply taking a chance, like driving through a red light with your eyes closed. You might enjoy the sex, but the risk is more terrifying than thrilling.

Maybe you do regard sex as a sport. That's your choice. My recommendation (to you -- and to everyone who takes the risk of sexual contact) is to prepare yourself with the best safety equipment and protection you can. You wouldn't risk your life on a mountain without the right equipment and knowledge, you wouldn't go parachuting without a parachute, so why risk your life in bed? Arm yourself with knowledge, take precautions, and learn to say no when your sexual health is threatened.

I like drinking alcohol or getting high on drugs

Drugs of all kinds are popular in our society. People see them as providing escape, relief, and pleasure. Unfortunately many drugs, including the legal drug alcohol, have some less desirable consequences, one of which can be a reduction in self-caring. Under the influence, things can happen on the spur of the moment, because they feel good, without much thought for the consequences.

If you enjoy 'getting wasted' this way then at least prepare yourself in advance either by making sure you have the right safety equipment or by going with friends you know you can rely on to keep you out of trouble.

It seems unbelievable, but I've talked with many patients who had one wild night out then woke up to find they had been to bed with someone who was HIV positive. Their pain and suffering has far outweighed their few hours or minutes of pleasure.

Some people will choose to change their sexual behavior on moral or religious grounds, but these are not the only reasons. Simple common sense in reducing your risk of disease, because you care about yourself, is enough of a reason.

Self respect

You've probably realized that what I've been talking about is self respect and self love. I'm arguing for a recognition of the individual importance and worth of every person, most importantly by themselves.

Too often we underrate the value of a little more self discipline and a little more caring. We tend to accept situations that are not as good as they could be. I'm asking you to swing your pendulum of self respect and value more to the positive side. Each one of us plays a part in creating the society we live in. If individuals choose to be stronger and healthier, we will all benefit. We do have a choice.

I want to change, but how do I go about it?

The first thing is to be clear about the changes you want to make. Talk to your friends or a person you can trust, or see a counselor. All the STD clinics now have counselors who are able to help you, and their services are free. When you are clear about the changes you want, write them down. This helps your unconscious mind become aware that you are serious and helps it prepare for change. Re-read the Bill of Rights to yourself. Practice saying 'No'. Try a week where you say 'No' to different things at least once a day. This helps you become more disciplined and grow stronger inside.

Learn to enjoy saying 'No' because you are aware that it is making your life healthier.

Remember that change often takes a while. When you decide to do something important, life usually turns up some whopper of a test, as if to say, 'Do you really mean it?' Know that you will be tested and decide to go through with it. When you're on the other side of the problem you are successful, you have made the change! You can say, 'Well done self!'