Okay, girls, so you’re sick of trying to maintain your sanity, and you’ve been doing laundry every Saturday night for so long you’ve managed to memorize every word on the back of the Tide detergent box. If you have to endure one more sappy/romantic comedy video/ Haagen Dazs/ your trusty cat combo you’ll scream so loud Wes Craven will feel compelled to cast you in his next movie. I’d say it’s high time you found yourself a boyfriend!
But remember, it’s a cold cruel world out there, and damned if we haven’t all made a mistake or two or fifty trying to choose a decent guy to hang out with. So let me offer up this helpful assortment of Bachelors to avoid...
Mr.Too Sensitive Bachelor
When you coyly ask this guy "Honey, what are you thinking?" while batting your eyelashes invitingly, he gives you a look that would stop traffic, and you can actually see the little beads of sweat forming on his quivering upper lip. Watch his eyes start darting around the room frantically searching for all exit signs. If you really want to have some fun, tell him, with a deadpan serious look on your face, that you really need to talk about your relationship, and start mentioning ticking clocks. He’ll curl up in a fetal position in the corner faster than you can say ‘Another scotch and soda, barkeep’ This is amusing to no end, can be played over and over until he blows his top or bursts out crying. This guy is a wimp, and a girl doesn't need anyone she can push around.
The Over-Achiever Bachelor
This is the type of guy whose dreams of stardom, or curing cancer or running for president keep him so tunnel-visioned that he doesn’t have much time left over for you. Sure, you can pretend to be fascinated by his career, or even encourage him by telling him he’ll probably be bigger than Tiny Tim, but it won’t matter, because at the end of the day, you’re home alone reading the back of an All TempaCheer box while he’s slaving away for the cause or fighting off the attentions of screaming chicks who just want a collectible chest hair for their Ballerina jewelry boxes. If you ask this guy for a slice of his precious time, he’s just going to resent you and whine all day long. Who needs this? Find someone who can put you before his desire to redesign the city’s political strategies.
The Married Bachelor
Sure, you and he have a really special thing going, and sure, his wife just doesn’t understand him, and he hasn’t slept with her for years, and she’s nothing like you; he says, with his finger tipping your chin in the glow from a motel sign on the outskirts of town. Hell, you might not even know he’s married. So how do you find that out? Easy, he has no phone numbers to give you, he’s never available for weekends or holidays; he breaks dates at the last minute, and he never stays overnight at your place. The good thing about this set up is -- if you didn’t know he was married, and you find out, well, shoot, you didn’t know that was his wife on the phone (when you tracked down his number) when you called to let him know that he’d won a night of free drinks and a lap dance in a raffle reserved for customers who’ve visited The Glitter Gulch strip bar at least fifty times in the last three months. Oh, and that Candi, Trixie and Lola say ‘hiya, big daddy’ to their favorite client!
The Divorced Bachelor
You live in the shadow of his ex wife, yet you think you’re the exception to the rule. He lives in a state of denial, an apartment pretty much unfurnished, a temporary place, a picture of unpacked boxes and photo albums he’d rather you didn’t see. This guy actually uses plastic forks and paper plates. If only he’d realize how you’re his perfect match, yet it never happens, as this guy’s been so burned by his ex he refers to you as ‘one of them’. Of course you think you can fix him, but all the psychology and self help books in the world can’t erase the baggage he’s brought to this relationship.
The Hypochondriac Bachelor
Before you leave his apartment, you have to wait around for him to gather up all the pills he needs for the day, and his idea of a cool time is spending hours at the health food store buying up vitamins, and he’s afraid to have too much sex because of his ‘fragile condition,’ and every little thing revolves around his health. He hardly ever has a smile on his face, because that would indicate that he’s actually having fun, which goes against all the drama of his impending death. Oh, and he needs constant back and foot rubs to keep up his health, and he’s generous enough to let you give them to him.
Mr. Flaky Guy
This guy is one step away from a long term prison sentence, if the IRS were to actually catch him. He’s really quite charming, but you eventually grow tired of driving him to some remote check cashing joint way out of town as he hasn’t gotten his act together enough to actually get a checking account. Of course, if he did that, then he’d probably have to report the 10 years of back taxes he simply forgot to pay. When you call him and get a busy signal, you chuckle and realize that, heck, he’s so eccentric, he’s forgotten to pay his phone/electric/cable bill for the tenth time this year. Unless you're a masochist accountant, then who needs this, I ask you?
The Terminal Bachelor
Man, this guy has it all. His place is gorgeous, and it comes with everything. It’s the perfect nest, just lacking one thing - and that’s you, babe, to complete the picture. Of course, as things progress, he starts to get a little weird when you casually throw out the idea of his & hers guest towels, and he shudders at the thought of actually sharing his den with someone else, much less redecorate. Watch out for this one, he’s up for a good time, but not the big picture.
The Artful Dodger Bachelor
This guy can not seem to make a decision, whether it be what movie to see or who to see it with. He’s always looking for something better, but hey, you’ll do just fine in the interim. You can’t even conceive that a guy would act this way, always afraid he’s missing something better while hanging out with you and wasting your valuable time. So you never think it’ll happen to you. He’ll never make a date ahead of time for anything because he’s afraid something better will come along. Give this guy his walking papers, and a laser copy of professional therapists from a page in the phone book. Pretty soon you’ll grow tired of that scene, and find someone who’s too lazy to want someone better.
The Timebomb Bachelor
He’s your classic movie of the week character picked right out of central casting. He’s your basic unstable personality hidden beneath some semblance of nice, charming guy. This type of guy can show up in many different forms: big drinker, compulsive gambler, major player, drug addict, abusive jerk, or maybe he’s just plain nuts. If you could see his evil portrait hanging in the attic, you’d run screaming. The problem is that he’s quite charming at first, so it’s really hard to tell just when he’s going to snap. So right when you believe that cupid’s shot an arrow right into your heart, something goes really, really wrong. And the first time it happens, you don’t recognize the pattern. Everything has to be filled with drama. After he breaks your jaw when you’ve accidentally overcooked dinner, or lost your life savings at the track, you might wise up. But he’ll be full of apologies and promises of reform. If you’re hooked, all will be forgiven. Get out while you can.
Mr. Critic Bachelor
You like the fact that he’s sure of himself, because he knows what he likes (you) and he knows what he doesn’t. So you feel flattered and lucky that he’s chosen you. Good taste is yet another thing you have in common. The way he criticizes everyone else, you start thinking that you two must just be perfect together. He always has something to say about how you dress, how much makeup you wear, even how you tie your shoes. He knows what makes you happy, he’ll be happy to direct your career, tell you how to deal with your family, even what you want in the sack. The clincher comes when he discovers one day that you don’t polish the buttons on your shirts after you’ve finished ironing them. This is the beginning of the end. Soon everything you do is wrong, and you start to feel as if your picture is in the dictionary next to the word 'loser'. Get out now!
The Player Bachelor
We all know this guy. He perfected his Rico-Suave ways back in Jr. High, when he first discovered the power of his charm and good looks. He’s all over you like a cheap suit when you first meet, but after you surrender to his charms and his bedroom one night after way too many martinis and intimate conversation in some dark corner of the club you met him at, he’s on to his next prey. You can’t give this guy enough compliments, and you’d better not expect too many in return. He’s too busy worrying about his hair or you overhearing his 30 answering machine messages.
And last but not least... The Perfect Guy
He has a job that he loves, some sort of car, a house or apt. (not too neat, not too messy), a compatible sense of humor, a delicious blend of honesty, charm and dependability. He doesn’t care if you take just a bit too long to get ready for a party, and he loves every bit of your experimental cooking endeavors. He supports your career and he’s nice to your family. He’s the perfect combination of passionate creature and true best friend. And in return you’ll treat him like the prince that he is. Well, I know I just made this up, but hey, I can still dream...