All right, I’m exaggerating... I really don’t think you need to resort to these tactics to have a happy relationship, but I do have to say that I’m amazed to what extent some folks will resort to in order to achieve the goal of a happy life shared with that ‘one’ special person.

Sure, we all want that. Not only are we programmed, or should I say conditioned to find someone to love (and to love us, as well)in our society but we feel extra pressure from our families, holidays, and probably our worst enemy, the media. Why, if it weren’t for sappy, unrealistic romantic movies (which I love) or the unhealthy suggestions offered up by the popularity of the leading women’s magazines, I believe we would all be a bit saner in the long run.

It’s up to us, as individuals, to weed out what could be potentially harmful in the big scheme of things, what would skew our minds in a way that leads us to make even worse decisions about relationships than we already do.

Which leads me to one of the best examples I could find to help make my point. Being interested in relationships as I am, I spend a fair amount of my bookstore time in the self-help/relationship section (when I’m not hovering around the latest hot-rod magazines...) And I’m fascinated to find that there can be so many paths that seem to lead to the same goal.

Okay, so here I am one day at the bookstore loitering in my favorite section when I come across a little paperback called ‘The Rules - Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right.’ I can’t resist the title, so I shell out the cash, and set off for home to check it out.

Basically this book was written by two women, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, who have procured 35 precious rules from their happily married grandmothers, and swear by them as the end all and be all way for women to achieve the goal of marriage. The premise of the book is to give back to men the power of the chase, apparently something we girls have been denying these poor guys these last few decades. Fein and Schneider promise that "if you follow their rules for dating and courting, including being chaste and mysterious for as long as possible, you’ll get a proposal, followed by marriage, from a man who’ll love you forever".

"Ellen says: When you break the Rules, you take away the pleasure men get from pursuing you, the Rules is not a hobby, but a religion. Keep doing the Rules until the ring is on your finger."

The Rules is an easy read, so it didn’t take long to get through it. But by the time I reached the last page, I was in tears. "I’ve broken every rule in the book’ I sob as I go back and skim through it again just to make sure I’d understood everything correctly. Here are a few examples I pulled from the Rules:

Rule # 2. Don’t talk to a man first. (and don’t ask him to dance). I agree with that, as in most cases, a relationship might last longer if a man makes the first move.

Rule # 5. Don’t call him and rarely return his calls. Gee, I’m bad at this already. I’ve always been taught to return calls as a matter of common courtesy.

Rule # 6. Always end phone calls first. The authors suggest getting a timer and setting it for ten minutes. After ten minutes, you say "I’ve got a million things to do, I’ve got to go." Now that sounds a bit extreme. I can remember four hour stretches on the phone with my sweetie when we were dating long distance.

Rule # 12. Stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine’s Day. Now this was the last straw! How petty! Didn’t these authors take into consideration how difficult it is for some men to give romantic gifts? Why is it, in my experience, that the more blatantly romantic a man is towards you at the beginning of a relationship, , the more determined he is to get you into the sack and then cast you, the victim, aside, in order to move on to fresh prey. Isn’t it possible that if a man really decides he cares for you, then it could be understandable that he might be nervous about how he shows his feelings...What if you haven’t been seeing each other that long? Grrr...

Rule # 15. Don’t rush into sex and other Rules for intimacy. Sure, most folks would agree with that. But the following quote got to me "Let’s say that now, hopefully, you’ve held out for a while and are ready to have sex with him. What Rules should you follow in bed? First and foremost, stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets. Okay, wait a minute. Now we’re talking serious game playing here. I can’t think of any man who would actually find this intriguing.

Next I went to a popular bookstore and spoke with some people about this book. One male clerk told me he felt it had a good premise, that people should have a set of values they stick by. "At what point do your values distort into manipulation and rudeness", I ask... "Uh, have to go, I have a customer, and he rushes off.

One day soon after I’m at my desk at work, when the talk show I listen to in the afternoon informs me of an interview of the authors of The Rules after these messages. Eureka! I edge closer to the radio and turn up the volume.

It seems that 90% of callers participating to the show have a problem with ‘The Rules". Men don’t want to date a woman they might potentially marry who has to hide her true personality in a cloak of mystery just to become a challenge for him. It’s just too patronizing to believe! If a woman caller proudly announced that she had followed every rule to the letter and actually had gotten her prey to tie the knot, one has to feel a little sorry for her man, naive fool that he is, who, I suppose will find out the hard way what his mysterious new bride is really like. Him: " What? I didn’t know you liked to spend a few nights a week at Chippendale’s clubs?" he declared fearfully. "Why didn’t you tell me this?" Her: "Oh, I guess because I never returned your calls, and when we did speak, I was only supposed to talk about you...Oops!" she replies...

One of the authors, I can’t remember which one, would invariably ask a woman caller who dared to debate that one question, "Well, are you married?" and if the woman choked out the wrong reply, (nooo...) she was promptly dismissed as one of the unenlightened, cast aside as an old maid, and perhaps a not-so-clever one at that.

Now this is a sensitive topic for me, this old maid business. Let me share a little story with you: One thanksgiving, about 2 years ago, I’m at my parent's house for dinner, surrounded by my whole family. I'm over thirty, and without a date, which is depressing enough around the holidays, when my Aunt jokingly refers to me as her spinster niece. I stop in mid-chew as I slowly turn to face her. "Excuse me?" I ask, obviously in shock. Visions of Donna Reed as a scared librarian rushing away from Jimmy Stewart play as a little quick-time movie in my head. My aunt, who has everything any woman could ask for, a man who adores her, a few houses, children, grandchildren, plenty of money, and her own beauty, which has held up pretty well at her ripe old age of 68... I felt like that nerdy little girl back in the fifth grade being teased unmercilessly during dodgeball all over again...sigh...is there no escape? But I digress...

To sum up my thoughts on this topic, let me just say this: If you’ve met someone you like and you think there might be some potential for something wonderful and hopefully long-lasting, then all you can do is to be yourself and enjoy each happy moment as it comes. If you treat someone special in an unconditional way, not expecting any returns for your actions, but just being yourself, well, there’s where the magic is. If we all practiced this and treated everyone we cared for in this manner, with trust ,respect and honesty, not game-playing and rudeness for the result of our own selfish goals, then maybe more families would stay together, more couples would laugh instead of argue and less books like ‘The Rules’ would be so popular.