Top 15 Least Effective Dating Tips

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15. Have state troopers extend the invitation for that all-important first date.

14. Be sure to point out the "Blimp Effect" of those horizontal stripes she's wearing.

13. Ask, "You're not allergic to latex, are you?"

12. Don't let him skip out by claiming to go to the bathroom -- follow him.

11. Before asking for the waiter's phone number, borrow a buck from your date for a tip.

10. On your first golf date, ask her if she'll help you look for the real killers.

9. If she still lives with her parents, give her dad your bail bondsman's business card, "just in case."

8. Ask politely if your date minds waiting in the car while you talk to your Parole Officer.

7. If she's a dog lover, skip the good-night kiss and just lick her face.

6. Nothing says "I like you" like a big hunk of headcheese.

5. Ask the waiter for a table in the "PMS Section."

4. Properly stimulated, the inner lip of the nostril, or the "Labia Nostrum", is a highly erogenous zone.

3. Red wine for dumpster meals, white for road kill.

2. "How do I love thee? Let me belch the ways."

1. Never try to impress your date with snot sculptures unless you have enough mucous to finish.

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