Important things to know for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread
More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
Bread is made from a substance called "dough". It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average human life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread in their diets exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread, and given only water, begged for bread after as little as two days.
Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even meat loaf.
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 250 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in one minute.
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
No sale of bread to minors.
A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for the societal ills we might choose associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
The establishment of "Bread-Free Zone" around schools.